this is me

i have a job

pumpkinface — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:11:56 +0000

yep that’s right. the interview went well and i start work on monday. i am a little nervous, a whole lot of excited and a fair amount of stressed out (just because its hapening so quickly and there are lots of moving parts that must be coordinated). i am very greatful and humbled that i have this job. i know that this is a good company which means that its good employees which will mean a good work experience for me. which, quite frankly, i need.

goals

pumpkinface — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 01:58:13 +0000

so i am reading this book on “transitions”. in it, it describes how most people go through a transition around their early 30′s and make a change or adjustment from early adulthood to you-are-in-the-thick-of-it adulthood. this notion really stood out for me and so i was curious how i am making this transition of my own compared to what i thought it would be like. to do that i’ve dug out 3 sets of written goals that i did for myself and i have been looking at them to see what i have accomplished, what i could care less if i accomplished it, what i haven’t gotten done, and what has changed for me. one of the set of goals is 7 years old, the other is at least 2 years and the third is maybe less than a year old.

it is striking some of the similarities between them, and it is good to see some differences. now all i need to do is to be honest with myself (gulp) and make a new set of goals that have some roots in the old ones, but help me take a step forward into my settled (can’t think of a better term here) adult life.

i have an interview

pumpkinface — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 20:38:55 +0000

tonight, the first and only real tangible opportunity for a job since january and it has my head spinning. the interview is with a company that i formally worked with and a company whom quite honestly i would love to work for again, the fact that they even called me for an interview makes me happy and excited. they treated me really really well, and in return i worked really really hard for them but i enjoyed working hard for them- something that has been lacking in my career as of lately. they support their employees and respect them, offer them oppportunities and mentor them. they have exciting large projects and are multi-disiplinary so they can take hits harder and risks more often. did i already say that it is a great company?

so i am not really sure how you go on an interview with a company that you’ve already worked at. one of the two people conducting the interview knows me, and i know that they’ve already gotten the low-down on me from other people in the company- so its weird because it is new, yet very familiar. its hard to know how comfortable to be with these people- or i guess more accuratley put- how comfortable they are going to be with me.

i have a few worries in my mind already about why i wouldn’t get the job. one of them is because of a computer software that i have little to no experience in. but the mr. says that its a mute point and that i shouldn’t worry about it. that i have experience in the software, just not this program, and he promises me that he will teach it to me and i will learn quickly (which i completely belive). i jus thope that this one thing doesn’t kill the opportunity to work with them again.

everything is moving so fast all the sudden with the on set of this interview. its like my life went from slow motion to light speed, it has me going in so many directions at once that i am starting to feel like i don’t know which end is up.

therapy- transitions

pumpkinface — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:37:45 +0000

alright so i am in a funk…a fairly big one and its time for me to get out of it. but how is the big question. well in talking to my therapist it appears to me that it will have to be dealt with on many fronts. first i have to get myself occupied with things to do, and then actually do them. second i have to work on the job search a little more and i have to realize that i am of value and remember what my good qualities are- because to be honest right now i don’t feel worth a whole heck of a lot lately. third i have to give back to myself some more, which seems easy enough but not when you don’t feel deserving of it. last but not least i am reading a book that the therapist gave to me about transitions and i am trying to learn something from it. right now i am supposed to be thinking back to “endings” in my life and then figure out what associations i had with them. i started this journey last night and started to realize that for a while now alot of my “endings” have not gone well for me and that i am often scared, sad, angry and upset with the endings- so its no wonder that i am having a rough time of this right now. and what’s more is that i realized i still haven’t had my most recent ending yet- its been drawn out by the fact that i can’t contact other people who would help me make an ending and then move onto the next chapter in my life. i honestly can’t wait till i get to share some of this with my therapist and see what she has to say about it all.

sometimes i can’t leave it alone

pumpkinface — Sun, 02 May 2010 13:49:04 +0000

its horribly early on a sunday morning. both kiddos are up, despite the attempt last night to keep them up so they would sleep in a bit this morning. so i was lying in bed while they were bouncing around in the living room and all i can think about is the JFRC project that i left behind, how crappy i was treated, and the whole big damn mess that was created that i didn’t have any control over but was blamed for.

its been about 4 months since i’ve had any contact with any of the people that i worked with on that project. due to terms of my settlement, i am not allowed to have contact with them until the project is completed which should be about another 2 months or so. i wonder what is going on with it. i wonder how much of it i am still getting blamed for. i wonder what other messes other people have created and then are still using me an excuse. i wonder how much of that the client is actually buying into. i wonder how much the consultants ‘miss’ me.

it all goes round and round and round in my head, and i can’t stop it sometimes. i know i have no control over it and i believe that the people i worked with have a great deal of respect for me so i would think that they would shrug off the things that i am getting blamed for. but who knows? if you are in a situation and are repeatedly told it- you start to believe it. i wonder how much of that has occurred.

i wonder what has come of the people that helped me one day and threw me under the bus the next. i wonder how the world is treating them and how what they did has come back to them in some way- you know what goes around comes around.

argh. its all very frustrating to me still. and i don’t mean for it to be but it is. i don’t think i’ll be able to fully get closure on this until i am allowed to talk to the people i worked with and then know for certain that i still have their respect as a professional and that SHE wasn’t able to take that away from me.

and life will go on (part two)*

pumpkinface — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 04:18:02 +0000

yes i know, its been too long, and yes i’ve lost myself in the mess of not keeping up with writing and letting every other aspect of organization i know get sloppy. i have realized that this organization is critical to my being happy, so i am scrambling to catch up and re-organize myself…so easily said, not so easily done…to be happy.

so the caterpillar lost his job, many of you know this others may not. so now both of us are out of a job and that really sucks. i know in the end this road that we are on together will make us stronger and that we will be alright– one way or the other– but its a really scary road to be on. for both of us the thing that has our heads spinning is that we don’t know what to do with ourselves - i mean our field, our profession, is decimated there are no jobs. so how do you re-invent yourself when you thought you had already figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up? its a tought question, and its one that has us both struggling.

to be honest i haven’t put much thought into the question either- i’ve been too pre-occupied studying for that damn structures test that i will be taking in the upcoming weeks. i hope to god that i pass this thing. i have studied so hard and poured so much effort into this test… and if you can’t tell i’ve done a really good job at building up a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at this test. problem is that even though i’ve added all this pressure to myself (can’t seem to stop myself, although i would like to) is that i have very little confidence in myself to do a good job. i hope that i gain some soon- because i think that could go a long way for me.

after i finish my testing stint i will fall head over heels into another mess (well maybe a mess) i’ve managed to create for myself- being the head planner and chief organizer for a community garden at my church. when i started the project it was fun and i was excited about it, but now its lost some of its luster and i feel drained (stupid test) so my aspirations are not all that they used to be. i hope that i gain some of that back too- because it should be fun and give me a boost.

speaking of gardening (hey look my mood is already improving) i have to plan out my garden at my house this year. i’ve gone about purchasing a slew of seeds, but alas, not a plan as to what exactly i intend to plant or where i wish to plant it. that’s going to have to go on the boards for after the test too.

and last but not least the quick kiddo update. squash is going to the new school, and he is going to learn chinese and i am going to have to live with it. i still have a back up plan if the sky should fall and everything goes to hell- but i think it would take a lot for that to happen. he has just under 2 months of school left and is doing really well- it’s hard for me to believe i am going to have a 1st grader soon. sweet pea is a riot if i saw one. her attitude changes daily and she, for the most part, is really fun to be around. she misses her friends at school, but her b-day is coming up and i’ve invited some of them, so i am hoping that helps out. i haven’t had time to invest more into making friends or finding them- with other stay at home moms, again after the test. i think if i can find a group to share in that it will help a great deal.

sorry for the ramble, welcome to my head.

*part one was written and is unpublished

…be quite and take your nap…

pumpkinface — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:47:28 +0000

sweet pea has been upstairs for a good half hour now, and is now singing at the top of her lungs. as cute as it is, she needs to go to bed and take a nap. my efforts to squash her effortless plans to not sleep are no more- as they do nothing of the sort to deter her.

i am getting ready to take a nap- thank you mr. anxiety pill- now that my mind is not running 20,000 mph and that i’ve checked the blogosphere and the world seems to be okay.

loving this moment

pumpkinface — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:20:21 +0000

i am loving this moment that i am in right now. i am sitting here in the living room (thank you wi-fi) going through emails, blogs and researching things; while my dearest sweet pea is watching sesame street. and yes i have to admit i am watching it also a bit- its great. she is happy, i am with her, and i am happy.

did you know mary had a little lamb is now a rap song? how sweet is that?

onto other things….

i have this weird dichotomy going on in life, a resultant of this massive transition that i am going through. one day i feel like i have too many things to do- a sense of being overwhelmed without having any stress attached to it (definitely wierd); and the next day i feel like i have nothing to do and feel bummed. i think this will pass- as long as i keep a positive attitude. but overall i am enjoying being with sweet pea, even in her moments of tyranny.
i am still working on feeling comfortable with the new choices in squashes school plan for next year. and have decided for better or worse to research other schools with gifted and talented programs and see what other options are out there for us. maybe there will be some, maybe there won’t. only problem right now is that i haven’t exactly had time to talk this plan over with the caterpillar which i am slightly afraid he will not be too keen on.
i really hate having to go through the motions of “looking for a job” to collect unemployment- really i hate it.
being on a budget takes a lot of time. i like it and dislike it all the same. it just means taking more time out of my day to find out the best deal on things, which is a little exhausting sometimes. i think that i’ll either get better at this or will get to the point of knowing when to stop the research and just make a decision.
going on a short trip in two weeks to officially start my (keep your fingers crossed) last study session for the last ARE test i have to pass. i’ll be taking a two day intensive course on the topic of structures and then will have till the end of april before i can schedule the exam. in between i’ll be studying every other thursday night with a structural engineer from my church who has helped teach structures to architects in the past- while our kids are in choir practise. this will be the focus of my “career” for now. once i pass and have a license, then i’ll allow my head to move onto other ideas.

okay onto lunch for me….

it will all work out

pumpkinface — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 22:58:13 +0000

so we went to another meeting for the new school squash will be attending this fall- still not sure which language, but he will be attending. i left the meeting feeling rather good about the school and even felt better when squash told us he was mad at us for making him go to a new school, and possibly having to learn chinese over spanish. the only issue i am having now is a fair amount of stress and anxiety over the fact that one of the head administrators of the school squash is currently enrolled in was there, and saw us along with other families- who may or may not be moving to this new school. he is the husband of squash’s current teacher and he made a very rude remark to the caterpillar about us considering the move that we are considering. i am nervous and worried that this will have negative impacts on my child for the remainder of the year, and ourselves as parents of that child. i think the best term to describe the feeling i am currently having is intimidation. think that is a result of the situation i just got myself out of? damn i’m insightful.

pumpkinface — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:09:16 +0000

its 9am, well almost, on monday. my kiddos are with their grandparents for two days and the caterpillar is at work. i have gotten my butt out of bed, ate breakfast and worked out with the wii (and a bit on my own). now my mind has wondered to typing an entry before i hop in the shower and move to the next task of the day- which i think will be laundry.

*warning this will be a very rambling post*

1. i’m listening to the latin pop channel on tv. i’ve been doing this now for a while, i like it. i find irony in this now too. the catepillar and i had investigated a new charter school (free) for squash to attend this fall. it is also language immersion. the schools compare apples to apples in my opinion, so i had no issue filling out an application and hoping that he would get a spot from the lottery. well he didn’t. they have (1) first grade class that will take (25) kids, and they have over 60 kids on the waiting list to get into that class, and squash is one of them. we’ve written a letter asking that they open another classroom due to the demand, but it doesn’t look promising at this point. so here is where it gets interesting. the head mistress calls the catepillar on her own will, and tells us to enroll squash in the mandarin chinese program so he has a spot in the school and he stays on the spanish waiting list so if something does happen, we can switch him over….and on a leap of faith (at least for me) we did it.

so here are the good points: squash is now enrolled in a school that costs us nothing, sweet pea will automatically get to attend this school when she is old enough, its still language immersion, if squash stays in chinese he will still get exposed to spanish enough to keep his skill level and comprehension of the language intact, squash will be challenged, if they open a new spanish classroom we can switch him over, there will be children from the school he is at now at the new school.

the bad points: he may have to learn chinese, he has to change schools, he will be shy and frustrated (i think) at the start of the year, i will have less ability to help him in this language than i did in spanish- and i was just starting to get the hang of some things.

so why is it then that i am so luke warm on this decision and can’t be excited about it?

2. this weekend i woke up to hear my family playing together, and i dreaded having to go and play with them. what the hell is wrong with me?

3. i am busy but i feel like i do nothing important. i know that this is just a shift from what i’ve been doing- but this feeling is making me frumpy and irritable. and i do not like it.

4. i have to clean the house and i don’t want to.

5. i had a conversation with an old friend and employer last week and there may be some perspective work for me there in a few months. it sounded promising and interesting, but i am doing my best not to get a head of myself or get excited because it is just a possibility and is so far off from being anything real. but i think if it does come to fruition, that i will still get to stay home with sweet pea- and that would be kick-ass.