i have a job

yep that’s right.  the interview went well and i start work on monday.  i am a little nervous, a whole lot of excited and a fair amount of stressed out (just because its hapening so quickly and there are lots of moving parts that must be coordinated).  i am very greatful and humbled that i have this job.  i know that this is a good company which means that its good employees which will mean a good work experience for me. which, quite frankly, i need.

i have an interview

tonight, the first and only real tangible opportunity for a job since january and it has my head spinning.  the interview is with a company that i formally worked with and a company whom quite honestly i would love to work for again, the fact that they even called me for an interview makes me happy and excited.  they treated me really really well, and in return i worked really really hard for them but i enjoyed working hard for them- something that has been lacking in my career as of lately.  they support their employees and respect them, offer them oppportunities and mentor them.  they have exciting large projects and are multi-disiplinary so they can take hits harder and risks more often.  did i already say that it is a great company?

so i am not really sure how you go on an interview with a company that you’ve already worked at.  one of the two people conducting the interview knows me, and i know that they’ve already gotten the low-down on me from other people in the company- so its weird because it is new, yet very familiar.  its hard to know how comfortable to be with these people- or i guess more accuratley put- how comfortable they are going to be with me.

i have a few worries in my mind already about why i wouldn’t get the job.  one of them is because of a computer software that i have little to no experience in.  but the mr. says that its a mute point and that i shouldn’t worry about it.  that i have experience in the software, just not this program, and he promises me that he will teach it to me and i will learn quickly (which i completely belive).  i jus thope that this one thing doesn’t kill the opportunity to work with them again.

everything is moving so fast all the sudden with the on set of this interview.  its like my life went from slow motion to light speed, it has me going in so many directions at once that i am starting to feel like i don’t know which end is up.

sometimes i can’t leave it alone

its horribly early on a sunday morning.  both kiddos are up, despite the attempt last night to keep them up so they would sleep in a bit this morning.  so i was lying in bed while they were bouncing around in the living room and all i can think about is the JFRC project that i left behind, how crappy i was treated, and the whole big damn mess that was created that i didn’t have any control over but was blamed for. 

its been about 4 months since i’ve had any contact with any of the people that  i worked with on that project.  due to terms of my settlement, i am not allowed to have contact with them until the project is completed which should be about another 2 months or so.  i wonder what is going on with it.  i wonder how much of it i am still getting blamed for. i wonder what other messes other people have created and then are still using me an excuse.  i wonder how much of that the client is actually buying into.  i wonder how much the consultants ‘miss’ me. 

it all goes round and round and round in my head, and i can’t stop it sometimes.  i know i have no control over it and i believe that the people i worked with have a great deal of respect for me so i would think that they would shrug off the things that i am getting blamed for. but who knows?  if you are in a situation and are repeatedly told it- you start to believe it.  i wonder how much of that has occurred.

i wonder what has come of the people that helped me one day and threw me under the bus the next.  i wonder how the world is treating them and how what they did has come back to them in some way- you know what goes around comes around.

argh.  its all very frustrating to me still.  and i don’t mean for it to be but it is.  i don’t think i’ll be able to fully get closure on this until i am allowed to talk to the people i worked with and then know for certain that i still have their respect as a professional and that SHE wasn’t able to take that away from me.

the wise ohm

there is a wise ohm- that helped pull my head out of my ass last night, thank you very much.

so of course the offer that i made was declined, but instead of just saying no- they had to throw in some pretty mean things on top of it- saying that my performance has been substandard at best, that i am poorly organized and that i am uncooperative.  this threw me into a fit of rage- i was finally angry for once.  i pulled apart my deep freezer and started ripping out chunks of ice and throwing them into an empty kitchen sink so that they made this lovely crashing sound.  the caterpillar thought that i was breaking all the dishes.  then i started to yell and scream, and then i just broken down into a pile of tears crumbled upon the floor. 

after pulling myself together a bit, miss ohm called me and talked me through some things, and then i felt even better.  then in talks with the caterpillar, i felt better.  so i think i am gaining some strength here- but i’m just not sure when or if i’m going to slide back down again.

so anyways the added bit of good news this morning is that after they were so mean and nasty, they had the audacity to ask me for a favor.  ha!  now this is fun…but as long as it stays on a high swing.

two things that piss me off right now

1.  the doctor’s visit this morning at 9am

so the doctor’s think that i have a mild form of bi-polar disorder, which means that I function just fine under normal day stresses, but when I am place in a situation with lots of stress and pressure that I tend to fall into a depression and I can’t get out of it easily on my own.  this is probably a good that i now know so I can manage it better-  but it scares the hell out of me because now i am just as fucking screwed up as my mom and her fucked up dad.

2. the phone call i just got from my “concerned” employer

yeah he called me, saying that i hadn’t been in contact with anyone since i emailed him telling him i was out (and made a reference to his lawyer too).  he asked if i was alright, and i said that i was okay.  he wanted me to tell him what was wrong with me and why i needed a week off.  all i told him was that i had seen a doctor who recommended that i take the week off and i had a note stating such.  i have to fax it over to him today.  but then in this accusing tone asked me if i was coming back on Monday and then went on to say that in 20 years of working he has never had someone been so vague as to why they didn’t want to come into work.

i seriously just want to tell him to go fuck himself.  and that if he really wanted to know, i would love to tell him that because they have chosen to berated, be-little and yell at me for two months that i decided i wanted to kill myself- and then i would just love to see the reaction on his face.  but to be honest, a decent person would act with remorse and concern- they would react with an emotionless face that would somehow place all the blame back on me- god knows that they can’t be responsible for any of their actions.

its so weird

so its near official…i have three pages to sign and then my office will have an official sexual harassment case against them.  and the weirdness to this…on the day that i sign these forms i am informed that i will see a bonus on my paycheck this month.  isn’t that just odd. 

its hard, because sometimes for a split second i think that i’m doing the wrong thing…but then reality slaps me in the face and tells me to grow a spine again.