and life will go on (part two)*

yes i know, its been too long, and yes i’ve lost myself in the mess of not keeping up with writing and letting every other aspect of organization i know get sloppy.  i have realized that this organization is critical to my being happy, so i am scrambling to catch up and re-organize myself…so easily said, not so easily done…to be happy.

so the caterpillar lost his job, many of you know this others may not.  so now both of us are out of a job and that really sucks.  i know in the end this road that we are on together will make us stronger and that we will be alright– one way or the other– but its a really scary road to be on.  for both of us the thing that has our heads spinning is that we don’t know what to do with ourselves - i mean our field, our profession, is decimated there are no jobs.  so how do you re-invent yourself when you thought you had already figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up?   its a tought question, and its one that has us both struggling. 

to be honest i haven’t put much thought into the question either- i’ve been too pre-occupied studying for that damn structures test that i will be taking in the upcoming weeks.  i hope to god that i pass this thing.   i have studied so hard and poured so much effort into this test… and if you can’t tell i’ve done a really good job at building up a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at this test.  problem is that even though i’ve added all this pressure to myself (can’t seem to stop myself, although i would like to) is that i have very little confidence in myself to do a good job.  i hope that i gain some soon- because i think that could go a long way for me.

after i finish my testing stint i will fall head over heels into another mess (well maybe a mess) i’ve managed to create for myself- being the head planner and chief organizer for a community garden at my church.  when i started the project it was fun and i was excited about it, but now its lost some of its luster and i feel drained (stupid test) so my aspirations are not all that they used to be.  i hope that i gain some of that back too- because it should be fun and give me a boost. 

speaking of gardening (hey look my mood is already improving) i have to plan out my garden at my house this year.  i’ve gone about purchasing a slew of seeds, but alas, not a plan as to what exactly i intend to plant or where i wish to plant it.  that’s going to have to go on the boards for after the test too.

and last but not least the quick kiddo update.  squash is going to the new school, and he is going to learn chinese and i am going to have to live with it.  i still have a back up plan if the sky should fall and everything goes to hell- but i think it would take a lot for that to happen.  he has just under 2 months of school left and is doing really well- it’s hard for me to believe i am going to have a 1st grader soon.  sweet pea is a riot if i saw one.  her attitude changes daily and she, for the most part, is really fun to be around.  she misses her friends at school, but her b-day is coming up and i’ve invited some of them, so i am hoping that helps out.  i haven’t had time to invest more into making friends or finding them- with other stay at home moms, again after the test. i think if i can find a group to share in that it will help a great deal.

sorry for the ramble, welcome to my head.

*part one was written and is unpublished

…be quite and take your nap…

sweet pea has been upstairs for a good half hour now, and is now singing at the top of her lungs.  as cute as it is, she needs to go to bed and take a nap.  my efforts to squash her effortless plans to not sleep are no more- as they do nothing of the sort to deter her. 

i am getting ready to take a nap- thank you mr. anxiety pill- now that my mind is not running 20,000 mph and that i’ve checked the blogosphere and the world seems to be okay.

loving this moment

i am loving this moment that i am in right now.  i am sitting here in the living room (thank you wi-fi) going through emails, blogs and researching things; while my dearest sweet pea is watching sesame street.  and yes i have to admit i am watching it also a bit- its great.  she is happy, i am with her, and i am happy.

did you know mary had a little lamb is now a rap song? how sweet is that?

onto other things….

• i have this weird dichotomy going on in life, a resultant of this massive transition that i am going through.  one day i feel like i have too many things to do- a sense of being overwhelmed without having any stress attached to it (definitely wierd); and the next day i feel like i have nothing to do and feel bummed.  i think this will pass- as long as i keep a positive attitude.  but overall i am enjoying being with sweet pea, even in her moments of tyranny.
• i am still working on feeling comfortable with the new choices in squashes school plan for next year.  and have decided for better or worse to research other schools with gifted and talented programs and see what other options are out there for us.  maybe there will be some, maybe there won’t.  only problem right now is that i haven’t exactly had time to talk this plan over with the caterpillar which i am slightly afraid he will not be too keen on.
• i really hate having to go through the motions of  “looking for a job” to collect unemployment- really i hate it.
• being on a budget takes a lot of time.  i like it and dislike it all the same.  it just means taking more time out of my day to find out the best deal on things, which is a little exhausting sometimes.  i think that i’ll either get better at this or will get to the point of knowing when to stop the research and just make a decision. 
• going on a short trip in two weeks to officially start my (keep your fingers crossed) last study session for the  last ARE test i have to pass.  i’ll be taking a two day intensive course on the topic of structures and then will have till the end of april before i can schedule the exam.  in between i’ll be studying every other thursday night with a structural engineer from my church who has helped teach structures to architects in the past- while our kids are in choir practise.  this will be the focus of my “career” for now.  once i pass and have  a license, then i’ll allow my head to move onto other ideas.

okay onto lunch for me….

it will all work out

so we went to another meeting for the new school squash will be attending this fall- still not sure which language, but he will be attending.  i left the meeting feeling rather good about the school and even felt better when squash told us he was mad at us for making him go to a new school, and possibly having to learn chinese over spanish.  the only issue i am having now is a fair amount of stress and anxiety over the fact that one of the head administrators of the school squash is currently enrolled in was there, and saw us along with other families- who may or may not be moving to this new school.  he is the husband of squash’s current teacher and he made a very rude remark to the caterpillar about us considering the move that we are considering.  i am nervous and worried that this will have negative impacts on my child for the remainder of the year, and ourselves as parents of that child.  i think the best term to describe the feeling i am currently having is intimidation.  think that is a result of the situation i just got myself out of?  damn i’m insightful.

its 9am, well almost, on monday.  my kiddos are with their grandparents for two days and the caterpillar is at work.  i have gotten my butt out of bed, ate breakfast and worked out with the wii (and a bit on my own).  now my mind has wondered to typing an entry before i hop in the shower and move to the next task of the day- which i think will be laundry. 

*warning this will be a very rambling post*

1.  i’m listening to the latin pop channel on tv. i’ve been doing this now for a while, i like it.  i find irony in this now too.  the catepillar and i had investigated a new charter school (free) for squash to attend this fall.  it is also language immersion.  the schools compare apples to apples in my opinion, so i had no issue filling out an application and hoping that he would get a spot from the lottery.  well he didn’t.  they have (1) first grade class that will take (25) kids, and they have over 60 kids on the waiting list to get into that class, and squash is one of them.  we’ve written a letter asking that they open another classroom due to the demand, but it doesn’t look promising at this point.  so here is where it gets interesting.  the head mistress calls the catepillar on her own will, and tells us to enroll squash in the mandarin chinese program so he has a spot in the school and he stays on the spanish waiting list so if something does happen, we can switch him over….and on a leap of faith (at least for me) we did it. 

             so here are the good points:  squash is now enrolled in a school that costs us nothing, sweet pea will automatically get to attend this school when she is old enough, its still language immersion, if squash stays in chinese he will still get exposed to spanish enough to keep his skill level and comprehension of the language intact, squash will be challenged, if they open a new spanish classroom we can switch him over, there will be children from the school he is at now at the new school.

             the bad points: he may have to learn chinese, he has to change schools, he will be shy and frustrated (i think) at the start of the year,  i will have less ability to help him in this language than i did in spanish- and i was just starting to get the hang of some things.

so why is it then that i am so luke warm on this decision and can’t be excited about it?

2.  this weekend i woke up to hear my family playing together, and i dreaded having to go and play with them.  what the hell is wrong with me? 

3.  i am busy but i feel like i do nothing important.  i know that this is just a shift from what i’ve been doing- but this feeling is making me frumpy and irritable.  and i do not like it.

4.  i have to clean the house and i don’t want to.

5.  i had a conversation with an old friend and employer last week and there may be some perspective work for me there in a few months.  it sounded promising and interesting, but i am doing my best not to get a head of myself or get excited because it is just a possibility and is so far off from being anything real.  but i think if it does come to fruition, that i will still get to stay home with sweet pea- and that would be kick-ass.

happy pastures

lets pour some happy energy into something that’s worth it!!!!!  ready set go!

its squashes birthday party this weekend (late yes, but i bribed the child like any other mother would do, so move forward please).  it’s  a go diego go theme, and in an effort to make it super cool to compare to some of the other parties he’s been to this year and not break my checkbook doing it, i’m rolling up the sleeves and letting the creativity flow!

so diego goes around rescuing animals from various parts of the globe armed with a magical backpack and some other gadgets that i am not up to speed on.  so the kiddos will each be given a backpack (aka the goody bag) with a map, a passport, binoculars, flashlights and a compass.  my home will be transformed into a magical land- sporting a cave, a forest mountains and either a desert or an ocean.  the kids have to go around using their maps and rescue beanie baby animals around the house.  we’re pitching the tent, lighting the fire pit and they are roasting s’mores instead of a cake. 

hopefully this magical momma can pull this off….

snow day (or two)

so the kids had school cancelled yesterday, and today- SNOW DAY!  we have about 18″ total so far, and it’s still coming down.  i’m fearful that the MR will not be able to make it home tonight- leaving me in a state of stress and exhaustion to go another week without him around.  i am having a good time with the kiddos, but i have this looming cloud above my head about the work that is not getting done, and as much as i don’t care, its hard to ignore.

so on the subject of work…its not getting better, but it is managing to get worse.  she told me this week that i would not be getting any help for the now two projects i am in charge of (i earned one of those on my own by the way and brought work into the firm- don’t ask why cause i still don’t know what i was thinking), so instead i should just put in the extra time myself and then i can take it off later.  yeah right- like there is a “later” with her.  i can see that now, me going in on monday and saying well since i put in an extra 30 hours last week, i am only going to work 12 hours this week.  yeah right. 

on the somewhat brighter side of things, i did bring in a project on my own (pat on the back) and i’ve officially filed with the state board on sexual harassment and expect that they will be notified that they are under investigation within a couple weeks.  right before the rush of the holidays, i love it.

oh so back to the kiddos.  we’ve been having fun for the most part.  i have so much admiration for my friends who do this full time…i don’t think i could handle it, actually i know i couldn’t.  we’ve decorated the house for halloween and played in the snow a couple of times.  the snowman we made yesterday, is now completely buried so he is no more.  but its supposed to be nice this weekend and so trick or treating should still be fun and the weekend can be enjoyed.

 

btw…how many times do you have to ask a 2 year old to eat with her utensil?

okay so i stole the idea

i read an article about our first lady, michelle, and there was a tradition that they have at their dinner table and i’ve stolen it. 

so each evening since i’ve read this article, we have gone around our dinner table and each person has to say what their one good part and one bad part of their day was.  the kids are totally getting a kick out it, and sweetpea thinks it’s so great that she interrupts conversations at any point in the day to ask you (this makes me smile from ear to ear)

i am really enjoying this new concept in our household, thanks michelle!

channeling energy

i’ve made the decision to channel my energy elsewhere.  it seems like a simple idea, no?  however the road to getting to this decision is rather bumpy and i think i’m still driving on it…but at least now i know where its leading to. 

after the painful stint in WY i came home for one night, loved on my kiddos and husband, and then left them again for a long weekend with lifelong friends.  it was a great experience and very eye-opening to me.  something inside me clicked and made me realize how lucky and grateful i should be for what i have.  and in that same instant, i realized all i needed to do was to channel my energy into things that make me happy and count to me rather than wasting it on petty things that in the end will do nothing for me.  it breaks the mold of what i am supposed to do- but who cares?  well, me actually…but i still have to make myself do this- otherwise i will die from the poison of it all.

bad mom syndrome: part 2

so the crap of part one stressed me out in a way i didn’t even relize until i landed at home late friday night.  it all spilled over into other issues and got crappy.  needless to say the weekend went by and as much as i tried to enjoy my children i only think i got a few good moments in.  the rest of the weekend seems like a blur of disappointment, exhaustion (from what i don’t know) and inability to accomplish something.  its an odd feeling to say the least, i feel like i’m wondering off the “path” as it were, but at the same time realize that there wasn’t a “path” to start with- so how the hell am i wondering?

hmph.