i have a job

yep that’s right.  the interview went well and i start work on monday.  i am a little nervous, a whole lot of excited and a fair amount of stressed out (just because its hapening so quickly and there are lots of moving parts that must be coordinated).  i am very greatful and humbled that i have this job.  i know that this is a good company which means that its good employees which will mean a good work experience for me. which, quite frankly, i need.

goals

so i am reading this book on “transitions”.  in it, it describes how most people go through a transition around their early 30′s and make a change or adjustment from early adulthood to you-are-in-the-thick-of-it adulthood.  this notion really stood out for me and so i was curious how i am making this transition of my own compared to what i thought it would be like.  to do that i’ve dug out 3 sets of written goals that i did for myself and i have been looking at them to see what i have accomplished, what i could care less if i accomplished it, what i haven’t gotten done, and what has changed for me.  one of the set of goals is 7 years old, the other is at least 2 years and the third is maybe less than a year old.

it is striking some of the similarities between them, and it is good to see some differences.  now all i need to do is to be honest with myself (gulp) and make a new set of goals that have some roots in the old ones, but help me take a step forward into my settled (can’t think of a better term here) adult life.

i have an interview

tonight, the first and only real tangible opportunity for a job since january and it has my head spinning.  the interview is with a company that i formally worked with and a company whom quite honestly i would love to work for again, the fact that they even called me for an interview makes me happy and excited.  they treated me really really well, and in return i worked really really hard for them but i enjoyed working hard for them- something that has been lacking in my career as of lately.  they support their employees and respect them, offer them oppportunities and mentor them.  they have exciting large projects and are multi-disiplinary so they can take hits harder and risks more often.  did i already say that it is a great company?

so i am not really sure how you go on an interview with a company that you’ve already worked at.  one of the two people conducting the interview knows me, and i know that they’ve already gotten the low-down on me from other people in the company- so its weird because it is new, yet very familiar.  its hard to know how comfortable to be with these people- or i guess more accuratley put- how comfortable they are going to be with me.

i have a few worries in my mind already about why i wouldn’t get the job.  one of them is because of a computer software that i have little to no experience in.  but the mr. says that its a mute point and that i shouldn’t worry about it.  that i have experience in the software, just not this program, and he promises me that he will teach it to me and i will learn quickly (which i completely belive).  i jus thope that this one thing doesn’t kill the opportunity to work with them again.

everything is moving so fast all the sudden with the on set of this interview.  its like my life went from slow motion to light speed, it has me going in so many directions at once that i am starting to feel like i don’t know which end is up.

and life will go on (part two)*

yes i know, its been too long, and yes i’ve lost myself in the mess of not keeping up with writing and letting every other aspect of organization i know get sloppy.  i have realized that this organization is critical to my being happy, so i am scrambling to catch up and re-organize myself…so easily said, not so easily done…to be happy.

so the caterpillar lost his job, many of you know this others may not.  so now both of us are out of a job and that really sucks.  i know in the end this road that we are on together will make us stronger and that we will be alright– one way or the other– but its a really scary road to be on.  for both of us the thing that has our heads spinning is that we don’t know what to do with ourselves - i mean our field, our profession, is decimated there are no jobs.  so how do you re-invent yourself when you thought you had already figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up?   its a tought question, and its one that has us both struggling. 

to be honest i haven’t put much thought into the question either- i’ve been too pre-occupied studying for that damn structures test that i will be taking in the upcoming weeks.  i hope to god that i pass this thing.   i have studied so hard and poured so much effort into this test… and if you can’t tell i’ve done a really good job at building up a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at this test.  problem is that even though i’ve added all this pressure to myself (can’t seem to stop myself, although i would like to) is that i have very little confidence in myself to do a good job.  i hope that i gain some soon- because i think that could go a long way for me.

after i finish my testing stint i will fall head over heels into another mess (well maybe a mess) i’ve managed to create for myself- being the head planner and chief organizer for a community garden at my church.  when i started the project it was fun and i was excited about it, but now its lost some of its luster and i feel drained (stupid test) so my aspirations are not all that they used to be.  i hope that i gain some of that back too- because it should be fun and give me a boost. 

speaking of gardening (hey look my mood is already improving) i have to plan out my garden at my house this year.  i’ve gone about purchasing a slew of seeds, but alas, not a plan as to what exactly i intend to plant or where i wish to plant it.  that’s going to have to go on the boards for after the test too.

and last but not least the quick kiddo update.  squash is going to the new school, and he is going to learn chinese and i am going to have to live with it.  i still have a back up plan if the sky should fall and everything goes to hell- but i think it would take a lot for that to happen.  he has just under 2 months of school left and is doing really well- it’s hard for me to believe i am going to have a 1st grader soon.  sweet pea is a riot if i saw one.  her attitude changes daily and she, for the most part, is really fun to be around.  she misses her friends at school, but her b-day is coming up and i’ve invited some of them, so i am hoping that helps out.  i haven’t had time to invest more into making friends or finding them- with other stay at home moms, again after the test. i think if i can find a group to share in that it will help a great deal.

sorry for the ramble, welcome to my head.

*part one was written and is unpublished

loving this moment

i am loving this moment that i am in right now.  i am sitting here in the living room (thank you wi-fi) going through emails, blogs and researching things; while my dearest sweet pea is watching sesame street.  and yes i have to admit i am watching it also a bit- its great.  she is happy, i am with her, and i am happy.

did you know mary had a little lamb is now a rap song? how sweet is that?

onto other things….

• i have this weird dichotomy going on in life, a resultant of this massive transition that i am going through.  one day i feel like i have too many things to do- a sense of being overwhelmed without having any stress attached to it (definitely wierd); and the next day i feel like i have nothing to do and feel bummed.  i think this will pass- as long as i keep a positive attitude.  but overall i am enjoying being with sweet pea, even in her moments of tyranny.
• i am still working on feeling comfortable with the new choices in squashes school plan for next year.  and have decided for better or worse to research other schools with gifted and talented programs and see what other options are out there for us.  maybe there will be some, maybe there won’t.  only problem right now is that i haven’t exactly had time to talk this plan over with the caterpillar which i am slightly afraid he will not be too keen on.
• i really hate having to go through the motions of  “looking for a job” to collect unemployment- really i hate it.
• being on a budget takes a lot of time.  i like it and dislike it all the same.  it just means taking more time out of my day to find out the best deal on things, which is a little exhausting sometimes.  i think that i’ll either get better at this or will get to the point of knowing when to stop the research and just make a decision. 
• going on a short trip in two weeks to officially start my (keep your fingers crossed) last study session for the  last ARE test i have to pass.  i’ll be taking a two day intensive course on the topic of structures and then will have till the end of april before i can schedule the exam.  in between i’ll be studying every other thursday night with a structural engineer from my church who has helped teach structures to architects in the past- while our kids are in choir practise.  this will be the focus of my “career” for now.  once i pass and have  a license, then i’ll allow my head to move onto other ideas.

okay onto lunch for me….

its 9am, well almost, on monday.  my kiddos are with their grandparents for two days and the caterpillar is at work.  i have gotten my butt out of bed, ate breakfast and worked out with the wii (and a bit on my own).  now my mind has wondered to typing an entry before i hop in the shower and move to the next task of the day- which i think will be laundry. 

*warning this will be a very rambling post*

1.  i’m listening to the latin pop channel on tv. i’ve been doing this now for a while, i like it.  i find irony in this now too.  the catepillar and i had investigated a new charter school (free) for squash to attend this fall.  it is also language immersion.  the schools compare apples to apples in my opinion, so i had no issue filling out an application and hoping that he would get a spot from the lottery.  well he didn’t.  they have (1) first grade class that will take (25) kids, and they have over 60 kids on the waiting list to get into that class, and squash is one of them.  we’ve written a letter asking that they open another classroom due to the demand, but it doesn’t look promising at this point.  so here is where it gets interesting.  the head mistress calls the catepillar on her own will, and tells us to enroll squash in the mandarin chinese program so he has a spot in the school and he stays on the spanish waiting list so if something does happen, we can switch him over….and on a leap of faith (at least for me) we did it. 

             so here are the good points:  squash is now enrolled in a school that costs us nothing, sweet pea will automatically get to attend this school when she is old enough, its still language immersion, if squash stays in chinese he will still get exposed to spanish enough to keep his skill level and comprehension of the language intact, squash will be challenged, if they open a new spanish classroom we can switch him over, there will be children from the school he is at now at the new school.

             the bad points: he may have to learn chinese, he has to change schools, he will be shy and frustrated (i think) at the start of the year,  i will have less ability to help him in this language than i did in spanish- and i was just starting to get the hang of some things.

so why is it then that i am so luke warm on this decision and can’t be excited about it?

2.  this weekend i woke up to hear my family playing together, and i dreaded having to go and play with them.  what the hell is wrong with me? 

3.  i am busy but i feel like i do nothing important.  i know that this is just a shift from what i’ve been doing- but this feeling is making me frumpy and irritable.  and i do not like it.

4.  i have to clean the house and i don’t want to.

5.  i had a conversation with an old friend and employer last week and there may be some perspective work for me there in a few months.  it sounded promising and interesting, but i am doing my best not to get a head of myself or get excited because it is just a possibility and is so far off from being anything real.  but i think if it does come to fruition, that i will still get to stay home with sweet pea- and that would be kick-ass.

one (maybe two) signatures away

and i will be free from hell.  an agreement was come upon this morning, i am at peace with this decision.  could have i continued on, maybe.  would it have added any more benefit to my life- probably not.  do i think i will regret this, nope.  i am really just wanting to have the signatures done with so i can truly move on.

oh and i just also have to add that the cosmic surroundings of the people who truly care and support you are awesome in ways we cannot understand.  and i am loving the energy it is feeding to me- i promise to make it a goal of mine to find a way to stay connected to this.

the wise ohm

there is a wise ohm- that helped pull my head out of my ass last night, thank you very much.

so of course the offer that i made was declined, but instead of just saying no- they had to throw in some pretty mean things on top of it- saying that my performance has been substandard at best, that i am poorly organized and that i am uncooperative.  this threw me into a fit of rage- i was finally angry for once.  i pulled apart my deep freezer and started ripping out chunks of ice and throwing them into an empty kitchen sink so that they made this lovely crashing sound.  the caterpillar thought that i was breaking all the dishes.  then i started to yell and scream, and then i just broken down into a pile of tears crumbled upon the floor. 

after pulling myself together a bit, miss ohm called me and talked me through some things, and then i felt even better.  then in talks with the caterpillar, i felt better.  so i think i am gaining some strength here- but i’m just not sure when or if i’m going to slide back down again.

so anyways the added bit of good news this morning is that after they were so mean and nasty, they had the audacity to ask me for a favor.  ha!  now this is fun…but as long as it stays on a high swing.

love is around you if you let is wash over you

i don’t feel better- not by any stretch, but i do feel a sort of strength building back up inside of me that i haven’t felt in a while.  to what do i owe the credit?  love.  love from people who i know inside and out and love from people who have just begun to know me.  somewhere, i don’t know where…i was told, or heard that you just need to let the love wash over you- that it will cleanse and create a happiness that you cannot imagine, and that trusting in that love everything will be alright.

this is a line that i keep hearing.  everything will be alright.  i still don’t believe that, i don’t know why- i guess i am just not there yet.  i hope that i am there soon.  i want to believe. 

i just got off the phone with the caterpillar, and he said something that was a bit annoying. but i am going to brush it off, not let it become something, because you know what?  its not worth it, he said what he did out of love and compassion and honestly, and i just have to accept that.  so i am. 

i started writing this letter that i was told to write…i don’t know that i am really following the directions, because i am doing a great deal of finger-pointing (not productive, but hey its either logical blame or a fury of screaming and anger- something i don’t think would hurt either).  so here are some of the words that i have included within this unfinished letter thus far, to describe me and what i have done at this miserable place for a year and a half:

• i am fair
• i have sacrified my family for their company, or to translate it another way i put everything i can into every task that i am given- in a word i am dedicated
• i am organized
• i am a leader
• i am respectful
• i am trustworthy
• i am capable
• i go beyond what is asked of me
• i am helpful
• i follow through with my commitments
• i own up to my mistakes and i act promptly to correct them, and learn from them
• i help to grow the office, both in employees and environment
• i am a mentor
• i get people involved in things outside the office
• i am capable of handling clients
• i am capable of bringing in new clients
• i stand up for what is right, even if its the wrong thing to say

that’s my list so far.   what do you think so far?

today is the first day that i miss my kids.  i have treated them horribly, and i mean that in all honesty.  but i miss them right now.  i am scared to death to have them back tonight, but i miss them now and that has to count for something.  right?

i have to get out of this funk, and soon- but i’m still not sure how to do that.  but when i do i want to hit the ground running, making the most out of everything and finding happiness and balance- in life, not in materials.  although a shopping trip at nordstrom does sounds really nice. 

hmmm , this writing does make me feel better.

happy pastures

lets pour some happy energy into something that’s worth it!!!!!  ready set go!

its squashes birthday party this weekend (late yes, but i bribed the child like any other mother would do, so move forward please).  it’s  a go diego go theme, and in an effort to make it super cool to compare to some of the other parties he’s been to this year and not break my checkbook doing it, i’m rolling up the sleeves and letting the creativity flow!

so diego goes around rescuing animals from various parts of the globe armed with a magical backpack and some other gadgets that i am not up to speed on.  so the kiddos will each be given a backpack (aka the goody bag) with a map, a passport, binoculars, flashlights and a compass.  my home will be transformed into a magical land- sporting a cave, a forest mountains and either a desert or an ocean.  the kids have to go around using their maps and rescue beanie baby animals around the house.  we’re pitching the tent, lighting the fire pit and they are roasting s’mores instead of a cake. 

hopefully this magical momma can pull this off….