therapy- transitions

alright so i am in a funk…a fairly big one and its time for me to get out of it.  but how is the big question.  well in talking to my therapist it appears to me that it will have to be dealt with on many fronts.  first i have to get myself occupied with things to do, and then actually do them.  second i have to work on the job search a little more and i have to realize that i am of value and remember what my good qualities are- because to be honest right now i don’t feel worth a whole heck of a lot lately.  third i have to give back to myself some more, which seems easy enough but not when you don’t feel deserving of it.  last but not least i am reading a book that the therapist gave to me about transitions and i am trying to learn something from it.  right now i am supposed to be thinking back to “endings” in my life and then figure out what associations i had with them.  i started this journey last night and started to realize that for a while now alot of my “endings” have not gone well for me and that i am often scared, sad, angry and upset with the endings- so its no wonder that i am having a rough time of this right now.  and what’s more is that i realized i still haven’t had my most recent ending yet- its been drawn out by the fact that i can’t contact other people who would help me make an ending and then move onto the next chapter in my life.  i honestly can’t wait till i get to share some of this with my therapist and see what she has to say about it all.

and life will go on (part two)*

yes i know, its been too long, and yes i’ve lost myself in the mess of not keeping up with writing and letting every other aspect of organization i know get sloppy.  i have realized that this organization is critical to my being happy, so i am scrambling to catch up and re-organize myself…so easily said, not so easily done…to be happy.

so the caterpillar lost his job, many of you know this others may not.  so now both of us are out of a job and that really sucks.  i know in the end this road that we are on together will make us stronger and that we will be alright– one way or the other– but its a really scary road to be on.  for both of us the thing that has our heads spinning is that we don’t know what to do with ourselves - i mean our field, our profession, is decimated there are no jobs.  so how do you re-invent yourself when you thought you had already figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up?   its a tought question, and its one that has us both struggling. 

to be honest i haven’t put much thought into the question either- i’ve been too pre-occupied studying for that damn structures test that i will be taking in the upcoming weeks.  i hope to god that i pass this thing.   i have studied so hard and poured so much effort into this test… and if you can’t tell i’ve done a really good job at building up a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at this test.  problem is that even though i’ve added all this pressure to myself (can’t seem to stop myself, although i would like to) is that i have very little confidence in myself to do a good job.  i hope that i gain some soon- because i think that could go a long way for me.

after i finish my testing stint i will fall head over heels into another mess (well maybe a mess) i’ve managed to create for myself- being the head planner and chief organizer for a community garden at my church.  when i started the project it was fun and i was excited about it, but now its lost some of its luster and i feel drained (stupid test) so my aspirations are not all that they used to be.  i hope that i gain some of that back too- because it should be fun and give me a boost. 

speaking of gardening (hey look my mood is already improving) i have to plan out my garden at my house this year.  i’ve gone about purchasing a slew of seeds, but alas, not a plan as to what exactly i intend to plant or where i wish to plant it.  that’s going to have to go on the boards for after the test too.

and last but not least the quick kiddo update.  squash is going to the new school, and he is going to learn chinese and i am going to have to live with it.  i still have a back up plan if the sky should fall and everything goes to hell- but i think it would take a lot for that to happen.  he has just under 2 months of school left and is doing really well- it’s hard for me to believe i am going to have a 1st grader soon.  sweet pea is a riot if i saw one.  her attitude changes daily and she, for the most part, is really fun to be around.  she misses her friends at school, but her b-day is coming up and i’ve invited some of them, so i am hoping that helps out.  i haven’t had time to invest more into making friends or finding them- with other stay at home moms, again after the test. i think if i can find a group to share in that it will help a great deal.

sorry for the ramble, welcome to my head.

*part one was written and is unpublished

the wise ohm

there is a wise ohm- that helped pull my head out of my ass last night, thank you very much.

so of course the offer that i made was declined, but instead of just saying no- they had to throw in some pretty mean things on top of it- saying that my performance has been substandard at best, that i am poorly organized and that i am uncooperative.  this threw me into a fit of rage- i was finally angry for once.  i pulled apart my deep freezer and started ripping out chunks of ice and throwing them into an empty kitchen sink so that they made this lovely crashing sound.  the caterpillar thought that i was breaking all the dishes.  then i started to yell and scream, and then i just broken down into a pile of tears crumbled upon the floor. 

after pulling myself together a bit, miss ohm called me and talked me through some things, and then i felt even better.  then in talks with the caterpillar, i felt better.  so i think i am gaining some strength here- but i’m just not sure when or if i’m going to slide back down again.

so anyways the added bit of good news this morning is that after they were so mean and nasty, they had the audacity to ask me for a favor.  ha!  now this is fun…but as long as it stays on a high swing.

please dear lord please

so i was offered a really crappy severance package- i mean really crappy, a total joke.  so today i met with my lawyer and we are countering with another proposal.  i am hoping for one of two outcomes in regards to this.

1. they accept it as is and i’m done with it and happy as peach pie.
2. they counter back with something that is really tangible that i can still live with, and just be done and happy.

if neither of these two items occurs then i will go back to work- and will within a rather short time period probably quit (unless by some act of god i gain this sense of strength and an uncanny ability to laugh at the thing, relieving me from all pressure).  then i will fight for my unemployment rights…and hopefully get them.

so please dear lord, please let this end soon and please give me some peace of mind that i did all this for a reason and that it was worth it.

two things that piss me off right now

1.  the doctor’s visit this morning at 9am

so the doctor’s think that i have a mild form of bi-polar disorder, which means that I function just fine under normal day stresses, but when I am place in a situation with lots of stress and pressure that I tend to fall into a depression and I can’t get out of it easily on my own.  this is probably a good that i now know so I can manage it better-  but it scares the hell out of me because now i am just as fucking screwed up as my mom and her fucked up dad.

2. the phone call i just got from my “concerned” employer

yeah he called me, saying that i hadn’t been in contact with anyone since i emailed him telling him i was out (and made a reference to his lawyer too).  he asked if i was alright, and i said that i was okay.  he wanted me to tell him what was wrong with me and why i needed a week off.  all i told him was that i had seen a doctor who recommended that i take the week off and i had a note stating such.  i have to fax it over to him today.  but then in this accusing tone asked me if i was coming back on Monday and then went on to say that in 20 years of working he has never had someone been so vague as to why they didn’t want to come into work.

i seriously just want to tell him to go fuck himself.  and that if he really wanted to know, i would love to tell him that because they have chosen to berated, be-little and yell at me for two months that i decided i wanted to kill myself- and then i would just love to see the reaction on his face.  but to be honest, a decent person would act with remorse and concern- they would react with an emotionless face that would somehow place all the blame back on me- god knows that they can’t be responsible for any of their actions.

which end is up (the breaking point)

so with this struggle to make things right and stand up for what’s wrong i have found myself ensued within a nasty nasty game; one that i realized would happen but not to this extent.  i now find myself at a place i haven’t been at for a long time, and its scaring the shit out of me. 

a voice- not mine mind you- came into my head out of nowhere (i was fucking unloading the dishwasher)  and it said “if you kill yourself  it would all go away and it will all be fine.”  it  caught me off guard.  i actually stopped what i was doing and waited, listened if i had actually hear it- and it said it again.  and i said no, and i cried.  i told the caterpillar (hey the nickname suits him- he looks like he’s high all the time and is wise beyond his years) at dinner- that i needed help.  the voice came back today,in a mesh mash of thoughts from me and i can’t keep it straight. i am now looking for help. 

so now i am five days into “fixing” myself.  i don’t feel better- but hell i don’t fell worse.  i just feel ok.  there is no better word.  i am seeing this therapist who i don’t know is really helping me, but at this point i am so desperate to get any help that i think i am willing to put up with it.  i want her to talk back to me more…is that too much to ask.  i’ve seen a doctor, gotten medication, and am now in line to get a psycho evaluation.  to say it plainly, i am scared shitless.  wait did i already say that?

my assignment from said therapist…due by my next appointment this week.  write a letter to the biggest bitch in the world (yes my boss) and tell her what i am worth; cause to be honest i don’t think i am worth a whole lot these days except misery, pity, anger and pain. so here goes…no, i am not actually going to post it here; maybe later.

but as i found this therapeutic before, i’m praying that it is again.

its so weird

so its near official…i have three pages to sign and then my office will have an official sexual harassment case against them.  and the weirdness to this…on the day that i sign these forms i am informed that i will see a bonus on my paycheck this month.  isn’t that just odd. 

its hard, because sometimes for a split second i think that i’m doing the wrong thing…but then reality slaps me in the face and tells me to grow a spine again.

channeling energy

i’ve made the decision to channel my energy elsewhere.  it seems like a simple idea, no?  however the road to getting to this decision is rather bumpy and i think i’m still driving on it…but at least now i know where its leading to. 

after the painful stint in WY i came home for one night, loved on my kiddos and husband, and then left them again for a long weekend with lifelong friends.  it was a great experience and very eye-opening to me.  something inside me clicked and made me realize how lucky and grateful i should be for what i have.  and in that same instant, i realized all i needed to do was to channel my energy into things that make me happy and count to me rather than wasting it on petty things that in the end will do nothing for me.  it breaks the mold of what i am supposed to do- but who cares?  well, me actually…but i still have to make myself do this- otherwise i will die from the poison of it all.

frumpty frump frump

alright i am sitting in a hotel room in cheyenne and i should be asleep.  instead i have taken a shower, and cried during it- never really done that before- and i’ve reviewed freinds blogs and caught up a bit.  i miss my kids and i miss my husband.  i want to go home. 

what else do i want?  i want new goals, i want solve things at work and then move on. i want to get a clear head.  i hope that my upcoming weekend helps.  after that i want to email my other girlfreinds and get their feedback.  maybe its a bit overboard, but its what i’ve decided i need.

i want to set myself some goals that have nothing to with work and then actually work on them.  as i sit here i realize that one of the main things that irritates me about my mother is that she always complains about wanting to change things and then never actually does it.  guess who else is doing that?  oh why yes my dear its me.  how nice of you to look in the mirror. 

work- i was kinda letting it go tonight but then i got a phone call from a girl there.  she went to the bosses and told them about Erics behavior…to catch everyone up he sexually harrasses the girls in the office- and btw its a woman owned business.  nice huh?  well anyways this will be the 3rd compliant lodged.  i placed the other two.  the bosses have done nothing.  they will continue to do nothing… i think its time to lodge an official complaint with the state.  yep i said it.  am i getting in over my head?  probably.  but i owe it to these girls- they look up to me and they should know that as a woman you don’t have to put up with this shit.

okay sorry for the diversion…what else.  oh yeah, me my goals. i dunno yet.  i wrote some down last year when i was unemployed.  i think i’ll take them with me on my vacation and see where it goes…

i’ll post more later.   time for night night- its an early day tomorrow. with too much work.

uneasy feelings

i’ve got this mess stewing in my head.  its been that way for about 2 weeks now and its wearing me out, but i can’t seem to make it go away.  i thought that when i had my yearly review at work that some how it would make things shift one way or the other, and then I could move on.  but that hasn’t happend.  instead i feel almost more confused and unsure of what to do and where to go.  the mr.  says that i need to stop trying to figure it all out and just let it come- to trust that it will all be okay.  i find that concept very hard to swallow.  maybe my vacation in a week will make a difference and shed some light on the matter(s) at hand.  maybe i should trust the mr. since it seems that my approach is getting me no where. 

why is it that whenever i find myself  ‘here’ i feel so alone?