sometimes i can’t leave it alone

its horribly early on a sunday morning.  both kiddos are up, despite the attempt last night to keep them up so they would sleep in a bit this morning.  so i was lying in bed while they were bouncing around in the living room and all i can think about is the JFRC project that i left behind, how crappy i was treated, and the whole big damn mess that was created that i didn’t have any control over but was blamed for. 

its been about 4 months since i’ve had any contact with any of the people that  i worked with on that project.  due to terms of my settlement, i am not allowed to have contact with them until the project is completed which should be about another 2 months or so.  i wonder what is going on with it.  i wonder how much of it i am still getting blamed for. i wonder what other messes other people have created and then are still using me an excuse.  i wonder how much of that the client is actually buying into.  i wonder how much the consultants ‘miss’ me. 

it all goes round and round and round in my head, and i can’t stop it sometimes.  i know i have no control over it and i believe that the people i worked with have a great deal of respect for me so i would think that they would shrug off the things that i am getting blamed for. but who knows?  if you are in a situation and are repeatedly told it- you start to believe it.  i wonder how much of that has occurred.

i wonder what has come of the people that helped me one day and threw me under the bus the next.  i wonder how the world is treating them and how what they did has come back to them in some way- you know what goes around comes around.

argh.  its all very frustrating to me still.  and i don’t mean for it to be but it is.  i don’t think i’ll be able to fully get closure on this until i am allowed to talk to the people i worked with and then know for certain that i still have their respect as a professional and that SHE wasn’t able to take that away from me.

and life will go on (part two)*

yes i know, its been too long, and yes i’ve lost myself in the mess of not keeping up with writing and letting every other aspect of organization i know get sloppy.  i have realized that this organization is critical to my being happy, so i am scrambling to catch up and re-organize myself…so easily said, not so easily done…to be happy.

so the caterpillar lost his job, many of you know this others may not.  so now both of us are out of a job and that really sucks.  i know in the end this road that we are on together will make us stronger and that we will be alright– one way or the other– but its a really scary road to be on.  for both of us the thing that has our heads spinning is that we don’t know what to do with ourselves - i mean our field, our profession, is decimated there are no jobs.  so how do you re-invent yourself when you thought you had already figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up?   its a tought question, and its one that has us both struggling. 

to be honest i haven’t put much thought into the question either- i’ve been too pre-occupied studying for that damn structures test that i will be taking in the upcoming weeks.  i hope to god that i pass this thing.   i have studied so hard and poured so much effort into this test… and if you can’t tell i’ve done a really good job at building up a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at this test.  problem is that even though i’ve added all this pressure to myself (can’t seem to stop myself, although i would like to) is that i have very little confidence in myself to do a good job.  i hope that i gain some soon- because i think that could go a long way for me.

after i finish my testing stint i will fall head over heels into another mess (well maybe a mess) i’ve managed to create for myself- being the head planner and chief organizer for a community garden at my church.  when i started the project it was fun and i was excited about it, but now its lost some of its luster and i feel drained (stupid test) so my aspirations are not all that they used to be.  i hope that i gain some of that back too- because it should be fun and give me a boost. 

speaking of gardening (hey look my mood is already improving) i have to plan out my garden at my house this year.  i’ve gone about purchasing a slew of seeds, but alas, not a plan as to what exactly i intend to plant or where i wish to plant it.  that’s going to have to go on the boards for after the test too.

and last but not least the quick kiddo update.  squash is going to the new school, and he is going to learn chinese and i am going to have to live with it.  i still have a back up plan if the sky should fall and everything goes to hell- but i think it would take a lot for that to happen.  he has just under 2 months of school left and is doing really well- it’s hard for me to believe i am going to have a 1st grader soon.  sweet pea is a riot if i saw one.  her attitude changes daily and she, for the most part, is really fun to be around.  she misses her friends at school, but her b-day is coming up and i’ve invited some of them, so i am hoping that helps out.  i haven’t had time to invest more into making friends or finding them- with other stay at home moms, again after the test. i think if i can find a group to share in that it will help a great deal.

sorry for the ramble, welcome to my head.

*part one was written and is unpublished

loving this moment

i am loving this moment that i am in right now.  i am sitting here in the living room (thank you wi-fi) going through emails, blogs and researching things; while my dearest sweet pea is watching sesame street.  and yes i have to admit i am watching it also a bit- its great.  she is happy, i am with her, and i am happy.

did you know mary had a little lamb is now a rap song? how sweet is that?

onto other things….

• i have this weird dichotomy going on in life, a resultant of this massive transition that i am going through.  one day i feel like i have too many things to do- a sense of being overwhelmed without having any stress attached to it (definitely wierd); and the next day i feel like i have nothing to do and feel bummed.  i think this will pass- as long as i keep a positive attitude.  but overall i am enjoying being with sweet pea, even in her moments of tyranny.
• i am still working on feeling comfortable with the new choices in squashes school plan for next year.  and have decided for better or worse to research other schools with gifted and talented programs and see what other options are out there for us.  maybe there will be some, maybe there won’t.  only problem right now is that i haven’t exactly had time to talk this plan over with the caterpillar which i am slightly afraid he will not be too keen on.
• i really hate having to go through the motions of  “looking for a job” to collect unemployment- really i hate it.
• being on a budget takes a lot of time.  i like it and dislike it all the same.  it just means taking more time out of my day to find out the best deal on things, which is a little exhausting sometimes.  i think that i’ll either get better at this or will get to the point of knowing when to stop the research and just make a decision. 
• going on a short trip in two weeks to officially start my (keep your fingers crossed) last study session for the  last ARE test i have to pass.  i’ll be taking a two day intensive course on the topic of structures and then will have till the end of april before i can schedule the exam.  in between i’ll be studying every other thursday night with a structural engineer from my church who has helped teach structures to architects in the past- while our kids are in choir practise.  this will be the focus of my “career” for now.  once i pass and have  a license, then i’ll allow my head to move onto other ideas.

okay onto lunch for me….

its 9am, well almost, on monday.  my kiddos are with their grandparents for two days and the caterpillar is at work.  i have gotten my butt out of bed, ate breakfast and worked out with the wii (and a bit on my own).  now my mind has wondered to typing an entry before i hop in the shower and move to the next task of the day- which i think will be laundry. 

*warning this will be a very rambling post*

1.  i’m listening to the latin pop channel on tv. i’ve been doing this now for a while, i like it.  i find irony in this now too.  the catepillar and i had investigated a new charter school (free) for squash to attend this fall.  it is also language immersion.  the schools compare apples to apples in my opinion, so i had no issue filling out an application and hoping that he would get a spot from the lottery.  well he didn’t.  they have (1) first grade class that will take (25) kids, and they have over 60 kids on the waiting list to get into that class, and squash is one of them.  we’ve written a letter asking that they open another classroom due to the demand, but it doesn’t look promising at this point.  so here is where it gets interesting.  the head mistress calls the catepillar on her own will, and tells us to enroll squash in the mandarin chinese program so he has a spot in the school and he stays on the spanish waiting list so if something does happen, we can switch him over….and on a leap of faith (at least for me) we did it. 

             so here are the good points:  squash is now enrolled in a school that costs us nothing, sweet pea will automatically get to attend this school when she is old enough, its still language immersion, if squash stays in chinese he will still get exposed to spanish enough to keep his skill level and comprehension of the language intact, squash will be challenged, if they open a new spanish classroom we can switch him over, there will be children from the school he is at now at the new school.

             the bad points: he may have to learn chinese, he has to change schools, he will be shy and frustrated (i think) at the start of the year,  i will have less ability to help him in this language than i did in spanish- and i was just starting to get the hang of some things.

so why is it then that i am so luke warm on this decision and can’t be excited about it?

2.  this weekend i woke up to hear my family playing together, and i dreaded having to go and play with them.  what the hell is wrong with me? 

3.  i am busy but i feel like i do nothing important.  i know that this is just a shift from what i’ve been doing- but this feeling is making me frumpy and irritable.  and i do not like it.

4.  i have to clean the house and i don’t want to.

5.  i had a conversation with an old friend and employer last week and there may be some perspective work for me there in a few months.  it sounded promising and interesting, but i am doing my best not to get a head of myself or get excited because it is just a possibility and is so far off from being anything real.  but i think if it does come to fruition, that i will still get to stay home with sweet pea- and that would be kick-ass.

snow day (or two)

so the kids had school cancelled yesterday, and today- SNOW DAY!  we have about 18″ total so far, and it’s still coming down.  i’m fearful that the MR will not be able to make it home tonight- leaving me in a state of stress and exhaustion to go another week without him around.  i am having a good time with the kiddos, but i have this looming cloud above my head about the work that is not getting done, and as much as i don’t care, its hard to ignore.

so on the subject of work…its not getting better, but it is managing to get worse.  she told me this week that i would not be getting any help for the now two projects i am in charge of (i earned one of those on my own by the way and brought work into the firm- don’t ask why cause i still don’t know what i was thinking), so instead i should just put in the extra time myself and then i can take it off later.  yeah right- like there is a “later” with her.  i can see that now, me going in on monday and saying well since i put in an extra 30 hours last week, i am only going to work 12 hours this week.  yeah right. 

on the somewhat brighter side of things, i did bring in a project on my own (pat on the back) and i’ve officially filed with the state board on sexual harassment and expect that they will be notified that they are under investigation within a couple weeks.  right before the rush of the holidays, i love it.

oh so back to the kiddos.  we’ve been having fun for the most part.  i have so much admiration for my friends who do this full time…i don’t think i could handle it, actually i know i couldn’t.  we’ve decorated the house for halloween and played in the snow a couple of times.  the snowman we made yesterday, is now completely buried so he is no more.  but its supposed to be nice this weekend and so trick or treating should still be fun and the weekend can be enjoyed.

 

btw…how many times do you have to ask a 2 year old to eat with her utensil?

stupid cheyenne

i spent all day there yesterday- and have nothing to show for it, but another hand-full of problems and things gone awry that i am left to fix.  it is so exhausting.

i get to spend monday through thursday there next week.  away from my family, chained to work and at the mercy of new problems and issues. 

it sucks.

the ebb and flow of life

i definatly have an ebb and flow to my life- the hectic waves crash and receed and unfortunaly i only get to relfect when the wave starts to receed…which it has and hence the writing

• job is good, busy which is even better.  i just am now starting to figure out how to pull back a little and give myself some space again, so i am not consumed by it.
• ARE testing- ugh.  i still haven’t found out if i passed the test i took back in october- which is KILLING me!!!!  i signed up for another one in january.  i am proud that i haven’t let go of the goal and am still pushing towards finishing- even if the timeline is much slower than i ever anticipated.
• como se dice?  i need to learn spanish- quick.  S is already running circles around me- both a good and bad thing.
• work it out…i need to get some sort of physical activity back into my life, more than just hauling kiddos around…thinking about joining a gym and or looking into a yoga class which i miss going to.
• read a great book, called the shack- if you haven’t read it go and get it, it really makes you think about multiple things.  for me, the big one is an idea of forgiveness, which i am trying to work on before i go home for christmas and see the golden boy.  the idea behind forgiveness (according to the book) is to image that you have a choke hold around someone’s- the person with whom you have yet to forgive- neck.  the act of forgiveness is simply letting go of the neck- it has nothing to do with anger or love or happiness, it is simply the act of release.  amazing description, no?  so i am working on letting go of the golden boys throat, and i have 3 weeks to finish that process.
• choir.  i sang in an adult choir last night.  i haven’t done that since i was in elementary school- and i actually loved it.  it kinda awoke this part of me that hasnt’ been around for awhile…its a weird feeling and i’m not sure what to do with it yet…or how to work on it.
• money sucks.  but budgeting is fun.  i’ve finally convinced the mr that we need to work on our budget- we now have a budget night, so we’re taking it bit by bit.
• Mother.  Mother is not good.  Mother has me worried.  Mother is not going to last the (4) years of service she signed to a contract this summer.  this stresses me out to no end….
• freinds, i’m finally making some great freinds out here and i am enjoying the little amount of time i get to spend with them.  i am also very blessed to have gotten to see some of my kc girls last month for an amazing madonna concert.  too bad we can’t do vegas every year…its on my mind alot lately.

testing testing testing

good news, i passed another section of my tests- whoo hooo!!!!  i took another one this morning and feel pretty good about it, so i think its good.  took a study class on saturday for yet another portion and in about 3 weeks will take that test.  if i pass these three- i’ll only have (2) sections under the new format to finish- which wouldn’t be so bad….i think.