one (maybe two) signatures away

and i will be free from hell.  an agreement was come upon this morning, i am at peace with this decision.  could have i continued on, maybe.  would it have added any more benefit to my life- probably not.  do i think i will regret this, nope.  i am really just wanting to have the signatures done with so i can truly move on.

oh and i just also have to add that the cosmic surroundings of the people who truly care and support you are awesome in ways we cannot understand.  and i am loving the energy it is feeding to me- i promise to make it a goal of mine to find a way to stay connected to this.

the wise ohm

there is a wise ohm- that helped pull my head out of my ass last night, thank you very much.

so of course the offer that i made was declined, but instead of just saying no- they had to throw in some pretty mean things on top of it- saying that my performance has been substandard at best, that i am poorly organized and that i am uncooperative.  this threw me into a fit of rage- i was finally angry for once.  i pulled apart my deep freezer and started ripping out chunks of ice and throwing them into an empty kitchen sink so that they made this lovely crashing sound.  the caterpillar thought that i was breaking all the dishes.  then i started to yell and scream, and then i just broken down into a pile of tears crumbled upon the floor. 

after pulling myself together a bit, miss ohm called me and talked me through some things, and then i felt even better.  then in talks with the caterpillar, i felt better.  so i think i am gaining some strength here- but i’m just not sure when or if i’m going to slide back down again.

so anyways the added bit of good news this morning is that after they were so mean and nasty, they had the audacity to ask me for a favor.  ha!  now this is fun…but as long as it stays on a high swing.

please dear lord please

so i was offered a really crappy severance package- i mean really crappy, a total joke.  so today i met with my lawyer and we are countering with another proposal.  i am hoping for one of two outcomes in regards to this.

1. they accept it as is and i’m done with it and happy as peach pie.
2. they counter back with something that is really tangible that i can still live with, and just be done and happy.

if neither of these two items occurs then i will go back to work- and will within a rather short time period probably quit (unless by some act of god i gain this sense of strength and an uncanny ability to laugh at the thing, relieving me from all pressure).  then i will fight for my unemployment rights…and hopefully get them.

so please dear lord, please let this end soon and please give me some peace of mind that i did all this for a reason and that it was worth it.

two things that piss me off right now

1.  the doctor’s visit this morning at 9am

so the doctor’s think that i have a mild form of bi-polar disorder, which means that I function just fine under normal day stresses, but when I am place in a situation with lots of stress and pressure that I tend to fall into a depression and I can’t get out of it easily on my own.  this is probably a good that i now know so I can manage it better-  but it scares the hell out of me because now i am just as fucking screwed up as my mom and her fucked up dad.

2. the phone call i just got from my “concerned” employer

yeah he called me, saying that i hadn’t been in contact with anyone since i emailed him telling him i was out (and made a reference to his lawyer too).  he asked if i was alright, and i said that i was okay.  he wanted me to tell him what was wrong with me and why i needed a week off.  all i told him was that i had seen a doctor who recommended that i take the week off and i had a note stating such.  i have to fax it over to him today.  but then in this accusing tone asked me if i was coming back on Monday and then went on to say that in 20 years of working he has never had someone been so vague as to why they didn’t want to come into work.

i seriously just want to tell him to go fuck himself.  and that if he really wanted to know, i would love to tell him that because they have chosen to berated, be-little and yell at me for two months that i decided i wanted to kill myself- and then i would just love to see the reaction on his face.  but to be honest, a decent person would act with remorse and concern- they would react with an emotionless face that would somehow place all the blame back on me- god knows that they can’t be responsible for any of their actions.

love is around you if you let is wash over you

i don’t feel better- not by any stretch, but i do feel a sort of strength building back up inside of me that i haven’t felt in a while.  to what do i owe the credit?  love.  love from people who i know inside and out and love from people who have just begun to know me.  somewhere, i don’t know where…i was told, or heard that you just need to let the love wash over you- that it will cleanse and create a happiness that you cannot imagine, and that trusting in that love everything will be alright.

this is a line that i keep hearing.  everything will be alright.  i still don’t believe that, i don’t know why- i guess i am just not there yet.  i hope that i am there soon.  i want to believe. 

i just got off the phone with the caterpillar, and he said something that was a bit annoying. but i am going to brush it off, not let it become something, because you know what?  its not worth it, he said what he did out of love and compassion and honestly, and i just have to accept that.  so i am. 

i started writing this letter that i was told to write…i don’t know that i am really following the directions, because i am doing a great deal of finger-pointing (not productive, but hey its either logical blame or a fury of screaming and anger- something i don’t think would hurt either).  so here are some of the words that i have included within this unfinished letter thus far, to describe me and what i have done at this miserable place for a year and a half:

• i am fair
• i have sacrified my family for their company, or to translate it another way i put everything i can into every task that i am given- in a word i am dedicated
• i am organized
• i am a leader
• i am respectful
• i am trustworthy
• i am capable
• i go beyond what is asked of me
• i am helpful
• i follow through with my commitments
• i own up to my mistakes and i act promptly to correct them, and learn from them
• i help to grow the office, both in employees and environment
• i am a mentor
• i get people involved in things outside the office
• i am capable of handling clients
• i am capable of bringing in new clients
• i stand up for what is right, even if its the wrong thing to say

that’s my list so far.   what do you think so far?

today is the first day that i miss my kids.  i have treated them horribly, and i mean that in all honesty.  but i miss them right now.  i am scared to death to have them back tonight, but i miss them now and that has to count for something.  right?

i have to get out of this funk, and soon- but i’m still not sure how to do that.  but when i do i want to hit the ground running, making the most out of everything and finding happiness and balance- in life, not in materials.  although a shopping trip at nordstrom does sounds really nice. 

hmmm , this writing does make me feel better.

which end is up (the breaking point)

so with this struggle to make things right and stand up for what’s wrong i have found myself ensued within a nasty nasty game; one that i realized would happen but not to this extent.  i now find myself at a place i haven’t been at for a long time, and its scaring the shit out of me. 

a voice- not mine mind you- came into my head out of nowhere (i was fucking unloading the dishwasher)  and it said “if you kill yourself  it would all go away and it will all be fine.”  it  caught me off guard.  i actually stopped what i was doing and waited, listened if i had actually hear it- and it said it again.  and i said no, and i cried.  i told the caterpillar (hey the nickname suits him- he looks like he’s high all the time and is wise beyond his years) at dinner- that i needed help.  the voice came back today,in a mesh mash of thoughts from me and i can’t keep it straight. i am now looking for help. 

so now i am five days into “fixing” myself.  i don’t feel better- but hell i don’t fell worse.  i just feel ok.  there is no better word.  i am seeing this therapist who i don’t know is really helping me, but at this point i am so desperate to get any help that i think i am willing to put up with it.  i want her to talk back to me more…is that too much to ask.  i’ve seen a doctor, gotten medication, and am now in line to get a psycho evaluation.  to say it plainly, i am scared shitless.  wait did i already say that?

my assignment from said therapist…due by my next appointment this week.  write a letter to the biggest bitch in the world (yes my boss) and tell her what i am worth; cause to be honest i don’t think i am worth a whole lot these days except misery, pity, anger and pain. so here goes…no, i am not actually going to post it here; maybe later.

but as i found this therapeutic before, i’m praying that it is again.

happy pastures

lets pour some happy energy into something that’s worth it!!!!!  ready set go!

its squashes birthday party this weekend (late yes, but i bribed the child like any other mother would do, so move forward please).  it’s  a go diego go theme, and in an effort to make it super cool to compare to some of the other parties he’s been to this year and not break my checkbook doing it, i’m rolling up the sleeves and letting the creativity flow!

so diego goes around rescuing animals from various parts of the globe armed with a magical backpack and some other gadgets that i am not up to speed on.  so the kiddos will each be given a backpack (aka the goody bag) with a map, a passport, binoculars, flashlights and a compass.  my home will be transformed into a magical land- sporting a cave, a forest mountains and either a desert or an ocean.  the kids have to go around using their maps and rescue beanie baby animals around the house.  we’re pitching the tent, lighting the fire pit and they are roasting s’mores instead of a cake. 

hopefully this magical momma can pull this off….

its so weird

so its near official…i have three pages to sign and then my office will have an official sexual harassment case against them.  and the weirdness to this…on the day that i sign these forms i am informed that i will see a bonus on my paycheck this month.  isn’t that just odd. 

its hard, because sometimes for a split second i think that i’m doing the wrong thing…but then reality slaps me in the face and tells me to grow a spine again.

snow day (or two)

so the kids had school cancelled yesterday, and today- SNOW DAY!  we have about 18″ total so far, and it’s still coming down.  i’m fearful that the MR will not be able to make it home tonight- leaving me in a state of stress and exhaustion to go another week without him around.  i am having a good time with the kiddos, but i have this looming cloud above my head about the work that is not getting done, and as much as i don’t care, its hard to ignore.

so on the subject of work…its not getting better, but it is managing to get worse.  she told me this week that i would not be getting any help for the now two projects i am in charge of (i earned one of those on my own by the way and brought work into the firm- don’t ask why cause i still don’t know what i was thinking), so instead i should just put in the extra time myself and then i can take it off later.  yeah right- like there is a “later” with her.  i can see that now, me going in on monday and saying well since i put in an extra 30 hours last week, i am only going to work 12 hours this week.  yeah right. 

on the somewhat brighter side of things, i did bring in a project on my own (pat on the back) and i’ve officially filed with the state board on sexual harassment and expect that they will be notified that they are under investigation within a couple weeks.  right before the rush of the holidays, i love it.

oh so back to the kiddos.  we’ve been having fun for the most part.  i have so much admiration for my friends who do this full time…i don’t think i could handle it, actually i know i couldn’t.  we’ve decorated the house for halloween and played in the snow a couple of times.  the snowman we made yesterday, is now completely buried so he is no more.  but its supposed to be nice this weekend and so trick or treating should still be fun and the weekend can be enjoyed.

 

btw…how many times do you have to ask a 2 year old to eat with her utensil?

yes i am still here

no i didn’t give up on writing things down- however life has been exceptionally hectic as of late, and thus no writing.  so quick update on the life of me, ms.pumpkinface.

work sucks- and that’s putting it nicely.  as amazing as it sounds my boss (mind you all a woman) told me that there was no merit in my claims of sexual harassment in the office and that the girls should stop cowering in the corner and get a thicker skin.  so i thought to myself, really?  and then i said alright to myself and now have hired a lawyer to help me file an actual claim against my employer in court.  i can’t wait till she finds out- i am hoping against all odds that she is stupid enough to have a knee jerk reaction and fire me- and then i’ll sue her again. 

kiddos are great.  right now they are both cracking my ass up.  they are so funny and silly these days- and i love love love that i am actually stopping and taking time to notice.  however, i am way late on prepping for squash’s upcoming birthday party- i really need to get that nailed down and into action.

the mr. is traveling waaayyyy too much- hence the overly hectic life at the moment.  he has been gone three days a week for the last 3 weeks, and yep he gets to leave again on sunday.  totally sucks, but at least he gets a “reward” out of doing his job- so i have to and i am truly happy to support him….but it still sucks.

pouring energy into other things- i got a slow start but i have started.  i have thrown a good amount of time at the kids, and at the house; but i’ve also found some things at church to invest in.  specifically 2 organizations the green ministry which is aimed at making our church more sustainable (loving this), and the second is a women’s circle that i am in charge of.  not so sure how that is going to go- but i’m going to try my best and see what happens.  oh and this is totally off the subject – but the mr has been asked to be a member of the board of trustees at the church.  i am getting a kick outta this one.

and finally my last few final thoughts and then i am off to bed…our computer crashed, hard.  i have sent off my hard drive to a computer tech in hopes of recovering any single photo i have ever taken of my children.  its rather funny- i never really looked at them but now that i can’t it makes me incredibly sad, here is to hoping i get them back- and then learn to appreciate them more.  secondly because of the said crash- i am now the owner of a moderately priced lap top- on which my nimble fingers type away from my bed right now.  this is exciting to me…because that means i can write more when i want and from where i want.

buena’s noches mis amigos!